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Chris Matthews: Chris Matthews here bringing you the first Republican Presidential Debate in partnership with MSNBC and Politico.com. Gentlemen, are we ready to begin?

Ron Paul: I think…

Matthews: That was a rhetorical question. Now gentlemen, in the interests of time you are limited to 30 second answers and a possible 30 second rebuttal if necessary, followed by 30 seconds of stupefied silence if necessary. Governor Romney, we’ll start with you. You’ve been quoted as saying that you don’t care too much if we capture Osama bin Laden. What do you have to say to that?

Romney: I do care about Osama bin Laden. Everyone up here does. But I also don’t buy the Democrats’ line that this entire conflict is about one man. There is a broader conflict here that goes beyond just Osama bin Laden, beyond Zarqawi or Saddam, and cuts to the heart of…

Matthews: I’m sorry governor, we’re pressed for time. Senator McCain, how do you respond to that?

McCain: I would respond by saying that I will follow Adolf Hitler to the ends of the Earth and into Hell and back to bring him to justice! I would pursue him and bring down his evil organization…

Matthews: The question was about Osama bin Laden…

McCain: Joseph Stalin and the Red Threat are more…

Matthews: Bin Laden.

McCain: There is a serious problem for America in Vietnam…

Matthews: I’m sorry senator, your time is up. Now this is a general panel question. Show of hands, how many of you are unbelievers in evolution?

Giuliani: I would like to point out that when I was mayor of New York…

Matthews: We’ll get to you in a minute, Mayor. This is for the Christians… So, three, four of you are unbelievers? Interesting. Senator McCain, your reactions?

McCain: I believe in evolution. When I heard Charles Darwin give his first lecture on the Origin of the Species I thought it was very convincing.

Ron Paul: I’d like to point out that the evolution debate is not a debate about God or biology… it is more about the evolution of our failed policy of expensive government expansionism in Iraq.

Tancredo: I wish the immigration debate would evolve into an actual debate instead of a homecoming parade for the Mexican army.

Romney: My abortion stance has evolved… does that count?

Matthews: Time’s up! Speaking of abortion, all of you, round robin, would it be a good day if Roe v. Wade were overturned?

Romney: Yes

McCain: Yes

Brownback: Yes

Huckabee: A Reliable Conservativeâ„¢ answers "yes."

T. Thompson: You don’t even know who I am.

Gilmore: Is McCain really older than me?

Paul: Our jingoist venture in Iraq needs an abortion!

Hunter: Yes, the decision was bad.

Tancredo: Great day, yes.

Giuliani: I would like to point out that when I was mayor of New York bzzt that I reduced crime by 63%, brought over 100,000 people off of welfare bzzt and…

Matthews: Clock’s ticking, Mayor. Good or not, overturn the Roe decision?

Giuliani: When I was mayor of New York before 9/11, abortions in New York went down by almost 30% and adoptions went up by 20%. In the 1999 fiscal year bzzt STATISTIC #32 NOT FOUND.

Matthews: Next question. How many of you would employ the dark sorcerer Karl Rove?

Romney: What does that have to do with anything?

McCain: I remember when Karl Marx released his first book.

Brownback: Why are we talking about Karl Rove?

Huckabee: A Reliable Conservative™ doesn’t talk about Darth Rove.

T. Thompson: …

Giuliani: When I was mayor of New bzzt York, Karl Rove… Karl Rove… ERROR 103b.

Gilmore: … I know I look old, but I never met Karl Marx… Damn…

Paul: Karl Rove helped get us into this hideously hubristic debacle of cataclysmic failure in Iraq, so no.

Hunter: I think that the decision on that should be left…

Matthews: TIME!! Next question. Huckabee, you once said that anyone who says they’re a believer and that their faith doesn’t affect their decisions is a gutless liar. Some say you were talking about Governor Romney.

Huckabee: Now that’s not exactly what I said… What I was talking about was…

Matthews: TIME!!! Romney, what do you think about Huckabee saying you’re a filthy liar mo-mo heretic?

Romney: He didn’t say that I was a filthy…

Matthews: TIME! Next question. I want you to go around the room and, while gazing into Nancy Reagan’s eyes, tell her to her face why her husband had to die in terrible agony from not getting stem cell treatment. Go!!

Romney: That’s a horrible "question" to ask…

Giuliani: When I was mayor of New York, wildly offensive bzzt bzzt on-the-spot questions were down by 28% in many parts of the bzzt city.

Paul: Did stem cells fund the Iraq War?

Tancredo: You’re a monster.

T. Thompson: …

McCain: Yikes.

Huckabee: What’s that whirring noise?

Hunter: I think it’s Ronald Reagan’s corpse spinning.

Brownback: Could we talk about an actual issue here…

Matthews: TIME’S UP! Governor Romney, a question from Politico.com. What do you hate most about America?

Romney: That it rewards stupidity with wealth and fame and a political talk show on MSNBC.

Matthews: McCain, same question.

McCain: I’d really like to discuss the real issues at stake here for our country, in this time…

Matthews: TIME!! LESS words! MORE sound clips! THE METEOR IS ON ITS WAY!

Paul: Did we use taxes to pay for the meteor? And is it heading to Iraq?

Huckabee: A Reliable Conservativeâ„¢ faces a meteor head on.

Giuliani: When I was mayor of New York, bzzzzt meteor strikes were down 71%.

McCain: I was born on the same day that the last meteor killed the dinosaurs.

Gilmore: Ok, he’s definitely older than me.

Matthews: Next question! Round robin again, do you want Bill Clinton back in the White House?

Romney: You’re joking… Am I at the debate or was I hit by a car on the way there and sent to hell?

McCain: You know we’re all Republicans, don’t you Chris? I mean, sure I wouldn’t mind necessarily having more Democrats in government… we all know that… but I can’t very well say those kinds of things out loud. That’s why I take my medication to help my inner monologue.

Brownback: Bill Clinton is a lecher and Hillary is the Queen of Darkness… Um, what’s that strange creaking, buzzing noise?

Tancredo: There’s sparks flying out of the back of the Giuliani-Droid. I think it’s busted.

Giuliani: When I was… was… was mayor LOOP ERROR. DATA STRING NOT FOUND… serial philandering was up 24% bzzt bzzzt.

T. Thompson: Ok guys, I’m back from Wendy’s. Did anyone miss me?

Hunter: I’m worried that Giuliani is going to set that podium on fire… should we do something about that?

Huckabee: A Reliable Conservativeâ„¢ would get a fire extinguisher to put out the Giuliani-Droid.

Paul: Let it burn… burn like all that money we threw down the ill-fated hubristic Iraq Democracy treasure hole!

Gilmore: Hillary and Bill Clinton in the White House? Sure, and Vladimir Putin too… where are you getting these questions?

Matthews: TIME!! THE END IS NIGH! Final embarrassing questions, candidates, and hurry! Tell us right here and now in front of God and everybody; your position on Scooter Libby and the Republican Culture of Corruption®?

Romney: Is Culture of Corruption anything like Media Malfeasance?

McCain: I would pardon him at the end of my term… my second term… unless I was running for some other public office, then I would ask Ted Kennedy what to do.

Brownback: Gee, I sure am glad all the corruption in Washington has a big red R next to it. The world would become unglued if anyone else was caught with, say, bribe money in a freezer.

Tancredo: It looks like the sparks have stopped, but there’s a lot of smoke up here. Is there a reset button or an off switch?

Giuliani: Bzzt bzzzzt… when I was mayor of New York bzzzzt the culture of corruption was… bzzt AT 0% APR FINANCING bzzzzt bzzt bzzzt And I lowered… crime: 62.83%, abortions: 30.05%, welfare: 46.47%, adoptions: 23.4567345334234523….. 010111011011101.

T. Thompson: So no one even noticed that I’d left the stage and went out for a freaking hamburger?

Hunter: Giuliani’s eyes have gone dark. Is he dead?

Huckabee: As the Reliable Conservativeâ„¢ I know how to reboot the Giuliani-Droid.

Paul: You want to know what’s really corrupt around here? How every issue in the galaxy lines up to push us into egregious unconstitutional wars of choice in Iraq!

Gilmore: Wow… just, wow.

Matthews: Final question!!! How many of you are willing to admit that Bush eats babies?

Romney: The same number that watch Hardball with Chris Matthews.

McCain: Back in my day, Moses told us it was wrong to eat babies. Does Bush eat babies? The word is still out on that. My people are working with the DNC to come up with a solution to that question right now. Whatever the outcome, when I find out the truth I will definitely be for or against eating babies… or both… or neither.

Brownback: Wait, I though Karl Rove ate babies. Isn’t Bush supposed to eat kittens?

Tancredo: No worries. In any case, all those babies get replaced with new ones running across the southern border while the White House fiddles.

Giuliani: ERROR! ERROR! Bzzzt DESTROY ALL HUMANS bzzzzt.

T. Thompson: Can you guys even see me? Hello? Oh my God! I’m dead!! Nancy Reagan, please channel me for the love of God!

Hunter: Are we done here? I have this thing called a Campaign to run.

Huckabee: I am a Reliable Conservativeâ„¢ who definitely does not favor the eating of babies.

Paul: Do you know what’s eating our babies? This hideously expensive war in Iraq!

Gilmore: Stop screaming, Thompson. You’re not dead. Do you have any left over fries?

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